Wednesday, March 19, 2014

I am sound.

My husband and I had a pretty interesting talk today. We spoke in depth about The Lord and his plan. And with Mike being a Return Missionary. He was able to provide a unique perspective. I was having some questions on church doctrine. More out of curiosity. And providing a better understanding. I guess you could say it stemmed from the ordination of women movement. And the medias attention of that. Makes me think of the statement it's very easy to focus on the bad then the good. I was wondering about these women. I feel personally that I would not want to be ordained. I have enough on my plate. I think that this whole issue is taking away from all that the church stands for and all the good things that members accomplish. They want to protest in temple square suring the priesthood session, why? Why take away the peace of the spirit from other members why; create disharmony when everything is supposed to be focusing on the Savior. I do not know everything God has planned but I have faith that He has a way. It is HIS way that will lead us to salvation. Not what we think is politically correct. Why must this sacred work be twisted into something that it is not. The gospel is not something that can be changed by our hand. It saddens me to think that these women are taking away from the importance of the work. And more over that they are speaking for women of the church. I do not want them to speak for me. I am sound in my faith. You will not shake me. I know my purpose. 
Anyway rant over. Sorry. 
My husband and I were speaking of this issue. And I was struggling with how these women are able to say they are strong faithful LDS women. We got on the subject of Satan. And what we talked about was that anything not of God, is twisted by Satan. I'm not saying everything is evil. I'm saying Satan is around us everyday. He is watching us, waiting for us to slip up. Waiting for us to doubt. He might not be able to read our minds but he knows us from our premortal life. He can tell when we struggle. This is why we must be extra diligent. We need to protect ourselves with the armour of God. Buoy one another up. Help those around us. And to know that there is a perfect plan that we may return. Because we are spiritual beings having a worldly experience. Not the other way around. 

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Church is a safe place.

I've been really hesitant to post this. But I feel like it must be said. I recently watched a church video on anti bullying and then read a mothers blog about how her daughter was bullied in school and in church and how the mother suffered through bullying as well.

I hated high school. And I'm not afraid to admit it, when I was in high school I hated every minute of it.  But it wasn't just high school that I struggled with, I struggled with church.

I was in a ward where I couldn't be myself, not that it stopped me. But I had a friend, who wasn't all that active and was a trouble-maker I'm going to call her M. My mi-maid advisor at the time, pulled me into a presidency meeting and told me I needed to decide on which side of the line I was on. I could be on the right side, or the wrong side. She wanted me to choose a different friend. Her daughter and I were really close, and my other friend wasn't very nice to her. But I always stood up for my friends, thats just how I was. I didn't care if you were my friend, if I thought you were wrong, I straight up told you. I wasn't into the cliques or trying to be popular, (Thank you childhood trauma.)

I remember coming home after that "meeting" in tears, I was so confused; didn't the gospel say to take in every soul. Weren't we supposed to be helping everyone we could. How could I choose the right, by leaving my friend out in the cold. And thats when the bullying started. We had an amazing woman for our YW's president. But there was one councilor that didn't see eye to eye with M. And M wasn't very nice to her daughter, but her daughter wasn't very nice either. So it was just a very intense situation. Anyway this YW's president worked very hard with M at this time to get her active; and she started working on her personal progress; and M grew and blossomed and she was so in love with the gospel and I really felt she was starting to gain her own testimony. She had completely changed but there was still major tension between some of the girls and her.

When the bullying started it was just against her, and then pretty soon; everyone that was in the mi-maid class started ganging up on M. Even though she had gone through an amazing transformation. I over heard one of the councilors saying that M wouldn't remain active at all; after her high school years.

I was 15 at the time, and I was so appalled by these councilors treatment of M, not only was the bullying coming from the YW but the YW leaders. Eventually the YW councilor became the YWs president and thats when all hell broke loose.

Every little thing was out in the open. The girls were mean and vicious; but so were the leaders. There was not a moment when M wasn't harassed by them. And at the same time, we're are being taught to love one another, and to accept another even with their faults.

Apparently when you call out a leader and tell them that their actions are different than from what they are teaching. That gets you on their radar. Now the bullying started on me and M. It was so bad that I started to go to primary where my mom was the pianist. And I'd sit and listen to these little children sing  through my tears. I would leave mutual every week crying, because of the relentless taunting from the others and their parents. I was so hurt, I was friends with these girls, I stood up for them. And now I was treated like dirt because I did the same thing again for another. I stopped going. I hated going to church and I did over half a years worth of make up work for seminary because I refused to go. And then I started going to go to my grandparents ward. I actually got to see how the YW's was supposed to be run, I got to see love and acceptance. And it was beautiful.

When we received notice that our ward was getting dissolved and that the boundary would be split. I was so excited. But then the YW's president for my "new" ward was released and our old one was called in. I was horrified. Here I had all this hope, and for nothing. But then my Laurels advisor was such an amazing woman. And I grew to love her. (So much that I ended up marrying her son.) ;P

Luckily for me I was called to stake youth committee, probably because I wasn't active in my ward. but ehh, it ended up working out. bullying is a very big deal. And its not just within the youth. Leaders can certainly be the cause of it, even just by singling out a youth. Its like a bunch of wolves circling the herd and looking for the weak link. Its unacceptable and it shouldn't be tolerated.

I have seen it in my life, and in the life of those around me. The girl, M is fully active and was sealed in the Temple. We cannot know another's heart nor why they make the decisions that they do. But our youth and our primary are moldable souls. And we need to build them up and nurture them. Not break them down. No matter if they're "troublemakers" or "rambunctious" we need to find the love that our Father has for them, because he still accepts every single one of us even with our faults. We are ALL Gods children. And we should buoy one another up.

Find the good, there is always good in an individual. You just have to try and find it.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Best days of my life.

Having two children is crazy. It's draining and half the time I'm lucky to remember to put on the right pair of shoes. I know moms with more than 2, are eye rolling about now. But for me it truly is a roller coaster. I love my children more than anything in this world. And I love being a mother. But even then... I have my moments. But need less to say, these days are the best days of my life. My two year old daughter will never need me as much as she does today. Tomorrow she will have gained a little bit more independence and asserted herself more. She will also be smarter and stronger. Same with my 7 month old. As I sit here and watch my amazing little boy pull himself up, fall and struggle to do it all again. I am reminded that I will never have this moment with him ever again. And it makes me cherish it a little bit more. 
Merrick is a momma's boy through and through. If dad is holding him; he screams. Mom comes and a minute later he's asleep. Although he will always be my little boy. He will never need me as much as today. From the time my babies were born they've been growing strong both physically and mentally. It's exciting and wonderful to be a part of. But it makes me miss all those little moments. In a way, I wish they knew of how much they have accomplished in their short time on earth. 
How much they have taught me. My children have taught me so many things: 
1. How to love
2. How to see the good. 
3. To never give up. 
4. It's ok to not understand. 
5. The best thing is laughter. 

My babies taught me so many things. And even though they learn new skills everyday. I have learned that as a mother you're never too old to be taught by your children. 

They really have taught me how to laugh. Today for instance, Finley comes to me with a big cup filled with ice water. And she pours it all over my leg and my foot. And I'm screaming cause it's so cold. I yell Finley! And she says with a big grin. I got you mommy. I just about died from laughing I said yes you did baby. Good job. 

Sometimes you just have to laugh it off. Because you will never have this moment again. 

Saturday, March 1, 2014

February 26th

Papa's girl!

My wonderful mother and I.
February 26th was a wonderful day for me. And every year, I am reminded of just how special a day can be.  February 26th was the day that I found my forever family. It was a day that changed my life. I would not have the things that I have now if I wasn't surrounded by family. I think its important to realize that when those around you are following the promptings of the Lord, blessings will pour out. And others will be touched. Just as I was.

My mother and father are one of the greatest things in my life. They helped me restore my faith in family and in love. My parents took me in, taught me how to trust and how to love. And that if I wanted to accomplish something; all I had to do was work hard and be tenacious. My parents taught me the meaning of hard work. I never understood before. I remember thinking to myself, that I couldn't achieve the things that I wanted. And I never thought that I could would amount to anything. Of course I was a dinky twelve year old. That had to grow up quickly, and stay that way.

I remember the first time that I truly trusted my father. And I mean dove in and was completely honest. It was the time that my father asked me to tell him what had happened when I was a little girl. With my biological family. Now at this point I am a little girl that for some reason I felt like I had a time bomb on me. Every 5 years; I moved to another place. Another "home". But the truth is it wasn't my home. I finally made it home when I was 12.

When I began to talk to my father about the abuse that I suffered. And I suffered physically, emotionally, and verbally. I was in tears. Every time I talk about what happened in detail. I relive it. And its very difficult. I was terrified that my father would judge me or not want me in his home. There seemed to be so much controversy from others with my parents taking in a troubled 12 year old girl. But I didn't hold back. Maybe it was the tears that filled his eyes, or that I could tell he felt my heart break all over again. But I trusted this man. He was the first man, I ever trusted. And I am so grateful for it. He helped know what I wanted in a husband and in a father. And he truly is my father.

My mother is my best friend. She gets me. And she is an amazing person. My mother is my confidant. She and I can talk for hours. She helped me understand and come to terms with what I suffered through and endured. And she helped me understand that it won't just go away. Everyday can be a challenge. But you just need to be strong enough to get through it and learn from it. And most of all to rely on Heavenly Father to carry you through.

People don't like to hear of child abuse, but I was abused. And I had to cope with it. Learn from it. I suffered from other peoples agency. They chose. I was affected. Our choices effect others. People argue that if there was a God, he wouldn't let us suffer in that way. But the truth is, Heavenly Father will never impede on your agency. He will heal you if you're broken, He will give your life meaning and most of all; he will make you strong.

I was abused as a child, but I am not a victim. I refuse to be. My family made me strong. My family is my strength. How blessed am I! I could let my past define me in the worst ways. But I chose not too. I choose to let it define me in the best ways. In ways that would make my daughter proud. My family has given me hope. My parents taught me so many things, and continue to teach me. My mother tells me every single year happy anniversary. She's never forgotten, and she'll never forget me. Its the best feeling in the world. Two words. Happy anniversary. And I am whole.
 I have such a handsome father.

I finally have the man of my dreams. Thanks mom and dad.